How to Re-Connect With Your Partner in 5 Steps: Building Connection
The beginning of a relationship can be intoxicating; you love your partner’s quirks, the two of you rarely argue, and the rushes of dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin as you lustfully fall for one another are enough to keep you wanting more.
Then the reality of sharing your life with another person sets in and you reflect on the not-so-great parts. The conceding, the let-downs and frustration, the lack of seeing eye-to-eye, the constant negotiations - the list goes on.
What happens? Why can there be such a stark contrast in those phases of the relationship? The answer is that it isn’t just one thing or another, but several factors all coinciding that can cause a downward turn in one’s feelings of contentment in a relationship.
One major factor that I hear over and over again from my clients is the business-like atmosphere that couples get into once they’ve been together for a while, particularly when they live together. We divide and conquer when it comes to running a household: one person takes care of the groceries and the other cooks dinner, one does the laundry and the other pays the utilities. It takes a lot to make life work!
These constant transactional interactions wreak havoc on your limbic system (the part of the brain responsible for behavioural and emotional responses) and the lack of connection actually puts your brain on high alert, as if your life is in danger. Humans are social creatures, and as such, we need to feel connected to feel safe. We can easily feel incredibly lonely, even if we are in constant contact with others. It’s the type of contact that makes a difference. The type where we connect.
So how do we foster more connection in our romantic relationships? Follow these 5 steps.
Do the Love Languages Quiz online (you can Google it and do it for free) to find out what each of your top 2 love languages are.
Once you know your love languages, write them down on a piece of paper and write down as many things as possible that you can think of that would be impactful for you. For example, if one of your love languages is Acts of Service, write down exactly which acts of service mean the most to you. THIS STEP IS KEY! I have heard of many people who do the quiz and share with their partner what their love languages are, but they can still miss the mark. You could be bringing your partner coffee every morning when all they really want is for you to do the laundry!
Once you’ve done the quiz and written down as many examples as you can of what you would love for your partner to do, keep the lists in a place where they are easy to see. Then each of you chooses 3-4 things on your partner’s list to do throughout the week. You don’t need to talk about it, this is the DOING part.
Also during the week, look out for your partner doing things that you appreciate and tell them when you notice it (“thank you for doing the laundry, it feels so nice that it’s done!”) . That validation and appreciation goes a long way and can motivate them to continue to do it. Keep track (write down in a notebook or in your phone) of when/how you think your partner is loving you in the way you need to be loved.
Finally, at the end of each week the two of you sit down together for 10-15 minutes or so and go over when you thought the other person was doing things on your list (maybe your partner gave you extra snuggles on Saturday because one of your love languages is physical touch. Maybe you told your partner that you love them so much and you love the life you’re creating together because those words of affirmation were on their love languages list). By doing so, you catch each other doing things right for one another.
This type of intentional communication and action can really help couples re-connect while also fostering an environment of love, kindness and appreciation. This in turn helps your nervous system re-set, your limbic system regulate and it can induce a general sense of safety and security that can take the place of anxiety and distress.
Happy Connecting!!
