Curiosity versus Assumption: Making a Powerful Shift
The definition of an assumption is “a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof”. In contrast, the definition of curiosity is “a strong desire to know or learn something.”
Why are these terms important to know?
Every single interaction you have with someone can either be close-minded and clouded with judgments and assumptions or open and compassionate led by curiosity. It’s up to you to decide which way you prefer to go.
Something to keep in mind is that ‘if it’s hysterical, it could be historical’. By that I mean that if the reaction someone is displaying does not match the context, there is likely something going on that has hit a nerve and potentially triggered an old wound.
We never know the entirety of another person’s story. Even as much as we think we may know someone, there’s always more to learn. This is true not only because it’s next to impossible to know all the things about someone, but also because human beings are so layered and intricate that at any given moment we can be juggling any number of things that can alter our experience.
When someone snaps at you with a cutting tone, what is your knee-jerk reaction? Mine used to be (and let’s face it, it sometimes still is) defensiveness. Cutting tone is met with a raised voice that is then served with a dollop of contempt and on and on the battle goes. This entire scene is completely flipped upside down when it is approached with curiosity.
As soon as you recognize that you are on the defense, if you can stop, pause and notice, you have the opportunity to make a powerful shift. By making an observation and asking a question, you open a dialogue rather than stonewalling (ignoring) or snapping back and losing sight of what’s underneath the surface. Here’s an example.
“I noticed when I asked you a question you snapped at me. What is happening here?”
Here is the opportunity for learning. Maybe you were the one who unknowingly had a tone and the other person matched it. Maybe you struck a chord with them because of the word you used or the subject you brought up. Whatever the answer, you are not connecting the dots and making up the story on your own. You are engaging the other person to communicate with you and help you understand better. This completely diffuses unhealthy conflict and other bad habits that go along with it.
It is not about accepting the other person’s behaviour (there will be time and space for apologies later), it’s about managing our own reactions and emotions and remembering to stay curious rather than making assumptions. This curiosity leads to empathy that in turn makes our relationships more rich and fulfilling.
Try this at some point in the next day or two and watch what happens. If you have difficulty stopping yourself from impulsively reacting, that may be a sign that there is an opportunity for growth, and reaching out to a counsellor could be a great step in the right direction.
