Empathy versus Sympathy
Empathy and sympathy are two terms you likely hear often but your understanding of their meaning may be inconsistent. That’s because the terms mean somewhat different things depending on who you talk to or what you read. A quick search in peer-reviewed journals showed me just how much variance there is in their descriptions. Here is my take on the empathy vs. sympathy debate.
Empathy is attuning yourself to another by listening mindfully, validating their experience and verbalizing an emotion the other person is expressing (or trying to express). It also involves repeating back what you have heard the other person say, and NOT trying to fix things. It is a connected yet objective glimpse into the inner world of another person’s experience. This is a somewhat complex process and it needs to be taught and practiced.
Sympathy, on the other hand, is more of a natural, knee-jerk emotional response that is triggered when you hear of someone’s misfortunes or difficulties. A friend’s divorce, a family member’s death, being fired from a job – these are all experiences that evoke intense emotions when we experience them first-hand and can we can easily re-experience when we hear of it happening to someone we know (especially someone we love). Sympathy is the act of taking on the other person’s emotion. It’s more self-centered and the focus is on your emotional reaction as you listen to another person’s emotional reporting of their experience. Sympathy can be comforting at times because those who have experienced similar life difficulties can sit and hold space for one another without ever needing to say much. However, sympathy can become unhelpful when it elicits a response that takes you to an emotional place that you were not prepared to go. It can also be a motivator to help “fix” the other person so their emotional state is regulated thereby helping to regulate your own.
As a provisional psychologist, one of the fundamental aspects of my job is to create an open and empathetic space so my clients feel safe and comfortable to be vulnerable. What does that mean? It means that I engage my listening skills, and I am present and attuned and mindful of what is happening during our sessions, listening without judgment or my own agenda. I do a lot of work teaching empathizing skills to others so they are able to show up better in their relationships and are more prepared to set healthy boundaries between Self and others.
So what are the fundamentals of being empathetic? Here are three steps to kick you off in the right direction.
1. Being empathetic is tuning in and being present. You cannot effectively engage in an empathetic practice if you are multitasking while someone is speaking to you. This means stop what you are doing, make eye contact with the person who is speaking to you, and listen to hear, don’t listen just to give your two cents. Your short-term memory only holds information for 30 seconds. Know this, own it, and let go of the expectation that being empathetic means having a discussion.
2. After you have listened, summarize what you have heard and repeat it back to the person. This lets them know you have listened and heard them. It also gives them the opportunity to correct you if you didn’t quite get the point of what they were saying.
3. Once you have summarized and repeated the information, verbalize the emotion that the other person may be experiencing. For example, if someone mentions they just got let go from their job, you would listen, summarize and repeat and then say something like “I can imagine you might be feeling sad and rejected right now”. It seems counterintuitive to articulate an upsetting emotion but that is a crucial part of empathizing and validating someone’s internal experience. THIS STEP IS KEY.
After you’ve done these three steps, continue to hold space and listen. This is not the time to problem solve, fix, or be someone’s cheerleader. Although it’s nice to have a cheerleader in our corner, there is a time a place for that. If you notice you are having difficulty trying to decipher emotional experiences of yourself or others, it could be a good sign that you might need to re-visit (or visit for the first time) the feelings wheel I discussed in a previous post. Also, it is OK if you get the feeling wrong. The other person will likely correct you. When they do, you can repeat their emotional experience back to them and just nod in understanding. And just be there with them.
In my opinion, in order to be authentically empathetic with others, you must be able to practice empathy on yourself. Self-awareness practice helps you tune in, check to see what is going on inside, then name the emotion, sit with it, hold space for it and just be.
If you notice you are slipping into sympathy (your emotional experience is matching the other person’s and you are somewhat distressed by the experience) this is a great time to set a healthy boundary. Knowing your limits of what you can engage in mentally and emotionally will protect you from completely emptying your energy into others.
If more people were intentionally empathetic, the world would be a better place. This is one way that we can all make a difference :)
